“Allowing someone their freedom is actually showing more caring than holding on to them. It is very caring to let someone go when they want to experience something else!” She said.
“Exactly! I responded enthusiastically. We hold on because we are scared to let go, scared of getting hurt, afraid of being alone…”
“Well,” she interrupted, “and woman are more heart based so when we care and then the guy wants to move on we wonder if he really cared about us or we think it didn’t mean so much to him.”
“Yes and the truth may be that he wants to experience something or someone else and it isn’t a personal rejection even if it feels that way. In Ernie’s case, if he had a greater communication skill set, he may have said something like this: a part of me really cares about you and yet another part of me wants to experience this new opportunity abroad and not feel so attached here. He wasn’t able to share this but it might be closer to the truth than you making it mean that he didn’t really care about you or the relationship didn’t mean that much to him!
“I know this now, I just didn’t know how to let go before or not personalize it,” She said.
“I’m not saying this is ever easy but once we get to a point in our lives where we want to experience true freedom then we must let others go in order to attract this for ourselves.
“I know, I know,” she said. “It’s just that it used to feel so cold to think this way. Now, I get it. It’s been a huge shift.”
“And now you are experiencing more freedom, creativity and happiness in your own life!”
“Yes, yes, thank you.”
“Definitely,” I responded, “but the real deal is you. Your ship has turned. It’s like a giant ocean liner. Once the ship turns it is hard to ever go back. You now realize that by opening up and allowing you can invite all kinds of experiences in your life that gradually help you become more and more clear about what you want and who you want to be. And now that you have become a more conscious creator of your reality you realize that you no longer have to settle.”
“Your right, I was going to settle before. It was like I just wanted a warm body and I didn’t understand how to really attract and create. Sometimes I did but I used to get hung up..
“On knuckleheads,” I interrupted, “who didn’t really care about you or have your best interests in mind even if they seemed interesting at the time.”
“You have to remind me of that?” she said playfully.
“Well, to be more serious,” I continued, “sometimes, you were putting men in your life to fill space and other times because you had a physical attraction. But now that you have learned how to open up and invite life become so much more interesting. And in this last relationship, you allowed yourself to get close without any guarantees, which we both know are illusory anyway.”
“I get that now too. I have learned so much from these last two relationships. Is it rejection or is it fear of getting hurt that I’m most afraid of?” She asked.
“Great question,” I said. “Underneath the fear of getting hurt is the fear of rejection, of somehow not being good enough or even lovable for some of us. Now we both know this is not really true,” I told her. “When someone moves on, the vast majority of the time they either want to experience someone or something else or they are not ready for what you have to offer. If you hold on, you suffer. When you let go, if they come back it is meant to be. This is obviously easier said than done but nevertheless it is true. Letting go and allowing and opening yourself up to the creation process is key,” I said emphatically! “I know you know this but many relationships are not meant to last a lifetime and yet sometimes the shorter ones can be very meaningful. This experience with Ernie taught you a lot.”
“I told my daughter that Ernie wanted to experience something else and it felt really liberating to share this and realize that I am ok. I would have never been able to let go so soon before. Again thank you.”
“Your welcome!”
This discussion occurred with a woman in her late forties who felt stymied in the dating process before we met. She was feeling lonely and at times desperate. A part of her wanted to find someone with money and just get married again. The problem with this approach is obvious. It has absolutely nothing to do with happiness or the creation of true self-worth and self-esteem. When we learn how to become conscious creators of our reality, we begin to realize that we can experience almost anything we want within reason. Obviously, most of us are not going to be billionaires in this lifetime or cross the English Channel with our arms tied behind our backs. But we can overcome our fears and learn to create our dreams through courage, creativity, and action!